On London (stupid London)

Shopping, tourists and weather. 3 things about London that can be fantastic or make you want to growl, like a dog, at other human beings. I personally growl under my breath whenever someone coughs in a contagious-sounding way, but no one ever hears. I am cautious when I growl, as I'm sure you are.

On English tourists in London: "Douches. They're not from London. I guarantee at the end of the day, those people will get on a COACH."

Yes this sounds snobby - and admittedly it came from a man who calls the bus the 'peasant wagon', but there's a pecking order with modes of transport within London. There just is. Tube trumps train, which both trump bus. Boris bikes and feet float somewhere to the side. Skating, skateboarding and pogo-sticking are more pass-times in which traveling from A to B is a practical bonus, and are just quirky enough to be cool. Below them are scooters - they are skateboards with handles, so less daring, but easier to arrive at work with all your skin still on your body. Nothing worse than a pool of blood collecting under a workmate's desk - it seems rude to point out, yet impossible to ignore.

And before you decide it's as simple as 'the more expensive the better', it's not at all the case. If after a day in London you were planning to cycle all the way back to Hertfordshire we'd say "Wow! Cycling all that way! That's impressive! People do that sort of thing for CHARITY!"

But coaches are the lowest of the low. People avert their eyes when they see people boarding one. A coach is like an unshaven fat load wearing a tube top. I don't know why. It's just a decision we've all made, collectively and silently, and we stick to it no matter what.

So please, come to our fair city. Take in the sights and sounds. But don't be loud and douchey, don't stop in the middle of a crowded bridge to adjust your balls - oh your suburban, insignificant balls, don't hold up a ticket queue by asking questions about the event you're seeing in less than 20 minutes - in short, don't act like you're getting on a coach.

On weather in London: "It's hot, then it's cold, then it's hot, then it's cold...and my balls can't take it" - Lewis Black

This is officially the shittest attempt at August I've ever experienced. It's been cold, rainy, and the only heat we've had was so unbearably humid it's led to me lying naked on my bed in a rage, wanting the rain back.

If winter is as inept at being winter as summer has been at being summer, I'll be having a Christmas barbeque - probably so unbearably humid it'll lead to me lying naked on my bed in a rage, wanting the rain back.

On shopping in London: "I don't want to be here anymore. I just growled at a child and people heard."